Being Erica Season 2: Accepting the Present
The moral case for understanding how accepting the present can have benefits and drawbacks.
Most of us wish we could find a way to live in the moment.
To give up on what happened in the past and not to worry so much about the future. We'd love to be able to stop and smell the roses and live every day like it's our last. As if nothing else matters but the current moment. If we could only live that way, we could be free of everything that has been holding us back. All those bad things we'd done in the past and the concern that whatever we're doing now might screw things up for whatever future we're hoping to have. It takes a lot of time and energy to spend your time worrying about things to the point that you wish it would just stop. What we really need to do is just be in the moment. You can feel a whole lot of power in that simplified view of the world. Particularly once you've found a way to let go of the past.
Previously in this space, we've looked at the problem of living in the past. Of becoming obsessed with the idea that if only you could fix your past mistakes, that everything would be perfect. You can't fix your past mistakes though, all you can do is learn to see them less as mistakes and more as things to learn from. But that's not the end of the story, because once you do find a way to learn from the past and to accept what you've done, it can be tempting to think that now everything is fine. Your past is behind you and all that matters is right now. Focusing on who you are and what's so great about your life. This doesn't always end well though.
“Why can't I? It's a question that never goes away. Our whole lives are spent chaffing against the rules, pushing back the boundaries, trying to find the loophole. Over and over we resist any attempt to box us in. To curtail our freedom, we ask the question... why can't I? And when the answer comes back, we never like what we hear. Consequences, when we ask the question why can't I they're right there staring us in the face. The answers we don't want to hear.”
Erica is very much in this place when we find her in season 2. She has found a way to let go of so many of the past mistakes she's made. Instead choosing to look at them as learning experiences on which to build who she is now. Doing this has allowed her to enjoy her life as it currently is. She's got a great job, a solid boyfriend who cares about her as much as she does, or she likes to think so. Much of her life has become everything that she's ever wanted. This makes her life right now really important to focus on. Allow herself to feel good about what she has and not care about what will happen in the future.
“Risks, how we feel about them, says a lot about us. Every day every moment we calculate and assess, debate and decide. But when you get right down to it, the truth is that when it comes to risk the only thing that matters is that you take the ones that are right for you.”
Living this way is incredibly risky. When you don't think about the outcome of your decisions, you can find yourself with consequences you didn't intend on. You find yourself in circumstances you don't want to be in but even then you don't really care about what is going to happen. So you just go along with the flow and tell people what they want to hear. Or at the very least you do what they say because to not do it is to second guess your decisions. To worry about the potential for regret and ending up with emotional baggage.
“When faced with decision, no matter how small, we all do the same thing. We calculate the risk. Some of us play it safe while others dive right in. Taking a risk, diving right in, it comes more naturally to some than others. Trouble is when you're standing safely back from the edge, you can't help wondering if you're missing out.”
Part of this is reflected in the way both Judith and Jenny live their lives. While Judith is the kind of person who is trapped in the present for generally good reasons. She's dealing with having a child who she has to take care of constantly and think about the kid's needs at all times. It's hard to argue with that as a goal. A kid more than anyone is all about their immediate desires and wants. At the same time, Jenny is doing it for less than good reasons. She just wants to have as much fun as possible in the moment. Jenny enjoys making snap decisions about her future without worrying what will happen to her or the people around her. Even if it hurt Erica in the short term.
“They say the truth will set you free, but no one bothers to mention that the truth can be a tricky thing. The fact is that getting to the truth is not easily done. Too often it gets buried or misplaced or tucked away where no one can find it. The real question is if one day you stumble upon the truth, would you even know it? Would you even recognize it for what it was? They say the truth will set you free but I’m more interested in what they don’t say… and that is that the truth hurts. That it can be dangerous. Revealing the truth? It's like lighting a match, it can bring light, help you see more clearly or it can set your world on fire.”
However, not all of the desires to have a more present focused life are good. While Jenny is partly a reason to be concerned, she's far from the only one. Leo is also living in the present despite the fact that he is someone who Erica only sees in the past. In fact, it's largely because Leo can only think about things in the short term, present moment fun. He has trouble thinking about the future because he's having so much fun in where he is right now. At the end of season 1, he was able to reach some aspect of future thinking because of Erica's intervention, but it came at the end of his life ultimately. Despite this fact, most of the time Erica sees Leo he hasn't found this insight. He cares only about fun.
Just because we don't want to live with consequences and emotional baggage doesn't mean that other people won't. They don't have to share your feelings or your ideas about the way you live your life. Even if some part of them might envy the willingness to seize the day and not think things through, they still might feel what you did. Your friends and family members might not want to be as open and unthinking. Because these relationships are important to you, you will end up suffering the consequences of other people's reactions to your decisions.
“Fighting, it's like sleeping, eating, breathing. We all do it just in our own way. Some say that the success of a relationship hinges on how we resolve conflict. Like it or not, how we fight matters. Conflict and relationships they go hand in hand. Too bad that most of us will do anything to avoid confrontation.”
You can't control other people, much as you might want to. The feelings they have and the way they think about you is in part a reflection of you and your actions, but also how they react to those events. So living completely without consideration of the future and the way people will look back on how you acted isn't something you can get away from. Although that's not going to stop people from trying in some way. Either trying to help you or your attempt to help other people. Wanting them to see the benefits of a care free life. But they still have the choice, to accept your help or not. To choose your way of thinking or not.
“How do you know when you're done? When it's time to move on. Sometimes, the decision is impulsive other times you think it through but no matter how many times we decide we're ready, the truth remains that the past is a hard thing to let go of.”
This is one of the things Erica struggles with in season 2. She feels such joy in her own life and she wants other people to have the same. She's willing to go to extreme lengths in order to achieve it, going into situations she's never really experienced for herself as a way to give people some perspective. All in the desire to make other people's lives better. Particularly if they're having a problem in the moment. She's the one who is there for people. So much so that it becomes a problem for her. As much as she might want to help everyone, she can't do everything for everyone. Erica has her own life to live and the people around her have their own. Some of them aren't in a place where they can exist in the moment.
“Conflict, it's everywhere you look, it touches everything we do, every relationship we have. Isn't it funny how at their core, all fights are the same. Two people yelling or accusing or running away, two people doing anything to avoid telling each other what they really feel. Just talk when you want to run, reveal when you want to attack it's so simple, so obvious, and at the same time so incredibly hard.”
Some people are living in the past, either because they like it there or because they can't find a way to move forward. Maybe the best example of this is Kai Booker. He is literally living in the past because he feels like his life is better there. Where he's actually from, he has all kinds of terrible problems that he'd rather not deal with. So he focuses his attention on a very happy memory and decides to try and live there. At least within that memory he can live within the moment. He can feel the way he wants and enjoy the time he has.
Others are focused on what might happen in the future. Like Ethan who is comfortable with who he is in the moment. He enjoys his job and who he's with, namely Erica. He's focused on setting down roots and building all kinds of stability in his life with her so that things remain the same. It's a comfortable way of living and for some people that's enough, but not for everyone. People like Erica need more than what's easiest and least disruptive in their lives. Which is part of what causes problems for them as a couple.
“You ever get that feeling like you've hit your stride? You're in the groove, on top of the world? Like everything you've worked so hard for is finally yours? But that perfect moment no matter how badly we want it to won't last forever. Because without warning a set back can strike, sending us even further back than where we started from. Setbacks we face them every day, some cause us to stumble, others bring us to our knees and along with pain and heart ache each set back brings us the opportunity to rise up. To be stronger and better and braver than before, but no sooner have we conquered a setback, we'll find another just waiting to take its place.”
These dynamics are hard to navigate, but you have to try. But we'll get into how to navigate them when we take a look at season 3 which is available now, so is season 4.
You can check out Being Erica on CBC Gem in Canada as well as Hulu elsewhere and the first episode is available on YouTube.